Coping with Grief: Do You Ask Yourself the Wrong Questions?
Here are Better Ones
Bob Baugher, Ph.D.
When did your loved one die? How old was this person? How do you see the world now?
Do you see how quickly we answer questions? (Oh, that was another question.) Our brain is programmed to answer most any question it encounters. However, here’s the problem: Even when we ask stupid questions that get us nowhere, our brain searches for an answer in the same way it would search for smart questions. For example, let’s say you forgot to bring something important to work and you find yourself saying (asking) “How can I be so stupid?” If you stop for a moment and listen to your brain’s response, it may answer the question something like this: “I’m stupid because my parents called me stupid.” Or “I’m stupid because I’m so disorganized.” “I’m stupid because I’m getting old.” See how it works? You ask your brain a question and it quickly finds an answer—even if it’s not a good one.
Being plunged into grief is a wild and confusing ride. So, at times, we are bound to ask the wrong questions. Let’s look at examples of questions that bereaved people ask that get them nowhere or even in more trouble. Then follow it up with a better question.
Nowhere Questions Better Questions
What’s going to happen to me? | What can I do to take better care of myself? |
Why wasn’t I a better parent/spouse/sibling? | What positive things did I do for my loved one? |
Why doesn’t anyone understand me? | Who can I talk to in order to get the support I need? |
Why am I so confused? | Who can best help me with the problems I’m having? |
How can I live without my loved one? | What can I do in a positive way to live this new life? |
How can I go on living this way? | What would my loved one say to me on how to cope? |
Why do I feel like I’m going crazy? | What can I do to better understand my grief reactions? |
Why do I feel so guilty? | What positive things can I do to work on my guilt? |
Why can’t I remember anything? | How can I keep better track of things I need to do? |
Why am I so afraid of the future? | How can I take it one day—or one moment at a time? |
Why can’t I stop crying so much? | Can I just allow myself to cry as much as I need to? |
Why do I keep thinking of the death over and over? | Can I accept that frequent thoughts about the death are OK? |
Why am I having sleep problems? | What sleep suggestions can I find that will help my sleep? |
Why am I in so much pain? | What little things can I do to reduce the pain I’m in? |
Why am I having bad dreams about my loved one? | What can I say to myself each night so that I will have pleasant dreams about my loved one? |
There they are: 15 questions that get us nowhere followed by 15 that can lead to a better outcome. So, here is my last question to you: As you continue to cope with the death of your loved one, will you now work on catching yourself asking the wrong questions and then turn them into the right questions?
Good for you!
Regards,
Dr. Bob
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